Unless I...
1. Talk more than you can handle
2. Flash a silly smile at you without reason
3. Act weird when I'm with you
4. Let you know my stories and secret

you cannot be considered as a true friend of mine. Sounds trashy but that's just who I am with people I'm comfortable with and they know my TRUE NATURE. Otherwise I will put on my fake personality and you will know me as a boring person.

Labels: that girl

I want to be a loud person.
Not the kind of whiny, annoying loud person.
Definitely not too boisterous either.
Just, you know...
Loud enough for people to hear and understand me.

Labels: that girl

I think what keeps me going through my really mundane,awful days is having a glimmer of hope that I have somewhat of an impact on people in a positive way. Like, I matter to those who I hold close and that I’m contributing something to someone I meet every single day. Whether that be lending hands to carry the ridiculously thick and heavy textbooks, listening to someone vent, or picking up a crumbled up piece of paper off the ground. I want to live and be a part of this world, not just exist.

It would absolutely crush me to find out that I made no ripple to anyone. That would be the biggest disappointment in my life, finding out that I was just this wasted thing on the planet selfishly hogging up oxygen. 

 I hope I make an impact on someone. I really do. 

Labels: that girl

Labels: that girl

By this time you should know that occasionally, I have these high self-criticism relating my insecures, So you see, I can't even love myself fully let alone to love someone else. It is just...impossible.

Labels: heart talk, that girl

So now we're in 2013.
Oh ok.

To be frank I never had any new year's resolution. Ever. Simply because I don't really know what I truly wish for. Yeah so many of us will say that they wanna have an excellent result on major exam (UPSR/PMR/SPM etc) , hoping for our desired gadgets will be ours, be happier, and so on and so forth. No. Terus terang aku tak pernah ada azam langsung.

And I always wonder up until now, what did really motivate me as to achieve straight A's in all my major exams. Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah for His generosity. The answer is, I never put good result as my wish for that particular year. It is a MUST for me to get the flying straight A's. And of course, a must without an effort will not work out. In order to achieve it, you must put some Herculean effort into it. I almost didn't have a life during my schooldays, plus the fact that I'm in a boarding school. It's a sacrifice I had to make.

As for materials, again I never had a strong urge or desire to get certain gadgets, accessories or whatever. I do look up for new trending items in the web but strangely I'm not influenced to purchase it. I guess, my rationale took a better hold of me then. As for my personality, nope I never thought of changing it. I may not have the most charming attitude in the world but my personality is not in the rock bottom either. And where I am now, I don't see that I can't make any friends at all so I guess yeah maybe people are okay with me.

2012, simply said, was dull to me. In the beginning when I got my SPM result, yeah that was a wonderful time for me and when I got the offer to continue my studies I was more than enthusiastic. But then when it drew towards the end of the year, man how my life slowly turned into monotonous daily basis. Maybe it's just my conscience. I mean, I have awesome friends in campus, lecturers were nice, totally easy to live with roommates, close to heaven semester, what more could I ask for right? But inside my head, I'm not happy with all of these. I always feel like I'm alone, despite the people who surrounded me everyday.

One more thing I noticed during 2012, I became a lot quieter. I listened more, I talked less. That's another rotten metamorphosis happened to me. Somehow, when I do have a topic waiting to be spilled in my head, my mouth seems to have a mind of his own. I won't open my mouth but instead rolling it around in my head, pondered it alone. No wonder I got zillion of secrets last year. Sigh....this silent mouth, I have to change it. Truth to be told, I'm not 100% happy with myself in 2012. I felt like I didn't do my best, didn't give my all to everything I done. It's like I'm doing everything half-heartedly which is bad I think.

So yeah for the first time, I think I have new year's resolutions. To be friendlier, smile and laugh brighter, work out, make the best out of my third semester, to feel less alone, to love and be loved and write a better lifestory. With that, I closed my 2012 old book and open a new 2013 journal.

Labels: that girl, this is life

Aku sebenarnya seorang yang agak gagal dalam amalan keep in touch, tak kiralah orang tu jauh di mata atau dekat di hati. Selalu melekat atau dah lama terpadam dalam inbox kenalan. Seriusli aku memang bukan jenis orang yang rajin hantar sms, whatsapp, fbchat, skype atau cara elektronik lain yang mampu menghubungkan jiwa yang dah lama terpisah, Pfft ayat pulak. Itu semua....memang bukan cara aku.

Tak tahulah nak kategorikan situasi macam ni dikira memutuskan silaturrahim atau tak. Aku tahu besar dosa memutuskan silaturrahim tu, tapi tapi tapi aku memang tak tahu dan kekok bab mengekalkan persahabatan dengan kawan yang dah lama tak jumpa yang bila berjumpa balik beberapa tahun lepas tu, terus jadi kekok nak buka topik sembang kencang.

Aku bukan lah heartless sangat sampai kawan sama sekolah pun tak ingat, aku rindu weh, serius aku rindu. Tahap keseriusan kerinduan aku tu tak boleh diukur oleh barometer mahupun pembaris meter. Tapi bab nak sms,skype etc, aku memang fail. Sorry to say la. Perkara yang paling membimbangkan aku bila dah text orang tu, lepas tu terus tak tau nak cakap apa lagi dah. Setakat tanya "Kau buat apa sekarang?" catching up semua tu tak dinafikan terlampau senang la tapi minit-minit lepas tu bila dah kehabisan modal nak cakap apa...terang-terang aku nak cakap yang aku bukan seorang yang boleh petik topik rambang nak dijadikan topik. Tu bukan kepakaran aku.

Mungkin tu lah kegagalan aku yang paling besar dalam hidup ni, keeping in touch. Tapi bila kena dekat sahabat yang memang aku panggil dunia akhirat, aku tak main-main. Aku masih dengar khabar diorang, dan diorang masih dengar khabar aku. Kepada yang termasuk dalam list prioriti keep in touch aku yang tak sampai 10 orang ni, tahniah la aku ucapkan. You have my love fellas.

Bikin kawan memang mudah, mahu kekalkan momentum kawan itu satu darjah kesukaran yang lain pula. Barangkali aku tak layak nak sebut soal momentum selagi aku kekal dengan sikap tak mampu nak ambil topik random jadi modal bersembang atau aku mungkin sebenarnya bukanlah seorang yang optimis dalam mengekalkan hubungan jangka panjang sebab aku bukan lah seoptimis Natsu dalam Fairy Tail. Kena belasah teruk pun boleh lagi sengih besar.

Labels: boo-yah, that girl